Over the past few weeks, I have been observing a few things.. What I do, say and think. And I have discovered a few things about myself that I never knew before. Some of these discoveries amaze me, disturb me and others make me think.
The first one of these, concerns my social networking life. I am a person who does use Facebook( and maybe somewhat excessively) and the new ( or what I believe is new, because I've been away four months at boarding school) addition to Facebook's 'liking' a post thing has created a problem for me. Previously, you could just like a post or scroll away. With the addition of: LOVE, HAHA, WOW, SAD, and ANGRY I am baffled. Going through my news feed used to be an easy daily task where I liked whatever and just didn't think about it. Now I am too confused to do anything. If I honestly love a post, I wonder if someone will view me differently because of it. If I react differently, what will they think? I also take some time to see whether any college that I will apply to, two years from now, will check my profile and all the posts I like to accept me. The ONLINE Footprint that I'm leaving is really scaring me. And I do all of this thinking while I casually eat some cake and tell my mother not to overthink her posts or how many people like them, or whether it was rude to post on somebody's wall just to tell them to stop sending Candy Crush requests. And I wonder why I am always turning around to ask someone's opinion on everything I do. Be it my question about whether they like my new haircut which I've been meaning to get for over a year.. Or what they think of my freshly made Chocolate Cake.
This thought appalls me and thoroughly surprises me as well because throughout my time at Rishi Valley School ( which is precisely four years now) I have prided myself on being different, carefree and not being affected by what other people say or think of me, especially my classmates. I have even taken being called weird a compliment and later corrected people because " I'm me, not weird."
I really don't know why I do this, but it scares me. It scares me that I am constantly depending on other people to make my choices, and what if.. I don't make the right one in the end.
And onto a more perturbing note, that is more that is worse than asking people their opinion on what I do, to feel accepted. To say something, to call yourself something you have no idea about and to create a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT person so as be part of everyone else. If not everyone else, then what I perceive to be the 'cooler crowd'.
I've read Wikipedia articles about various topics and took a stand on it. Not based on my opinion, but what somebody else thought about it. Pretty soon, I wasn't thinking on my own and was some idiot of a "rip off". I created a person I never intended to be. And I know nothing about everything. I just want a do over, a re-test. I want to make amends. And find out WHO I AM.